Some times I want to give up,

life. it is what we were put on this planet to do. just be alive. yet sometimes, it takes all our power, every fiber of our being to stick with it. why is that? i've had a rough couple of days, home life and such and for some reason thats all i can think about. mum's hurting, stressed to the limit and so she takes it out on us by yelling. a few weeks ago she wrote I (heart) U on my white board in my room, i tried to think about that as she screamed last night, it was bad last night. usually she doesn't yell but last night she let it all out. it's my fault, i was born, before that everything was fine. she could party and be happy with her druggie husband... sorry mum. none of us help out around the house and i'm neve rhome to even if i wanted to. i work. sorry i have a job. i have a 350 dollar phone bill to pay, i'm working my ass off so you don't have to pay it. sorry. i have a play that opens in a week with a stage manager from hell who told me to day he didn't give a shit about whats going on in my home life. sorry brad. it really sucks. before last night i was really happy, i have a boyfriend who loves me and treats me well, but mum had to shit all over that too. he's just going to hurt you but ill let you deal with that when it happens she said. i said thanks tips. i know that. everybody gets hurt. but at least for the time being im happy and im told im loved every single day. when was the last time you said that to me hmm? sorry for being even slightly happy as you watch your life go down the drain. she's on three stress medications she reminded us last night yea? how are those working out for you so far? no so well i'd assume. i don't get to have medication i get to deal with my problems as they come. im seventeen you think i dont have stress. im the queen of our fucking little group i have everyones stress. im happy fucking bubble emmelz and i realize that doesnt mean shit to you but it does to me.

i worry about mandy. im terrified in fact. i dont know what is going on in her life, she.. doesn't like to talk about it. but she's hurting. a lot. mum makes her feel like shit. im sorry mandy. mandy deserves to feel loved to, she is a wonderful person. it was almost her last night last night. that scared this shit out of me. i love my sister more then anything in the world. last night she felt that if she was to go mum wouldnt give two shits. she'd be gone and mum'd be happy. thats not fair. mum was going on and on about how she must have made some mistakes bringing up mandy for her to turn out the way she is. but if mandy had gone through with it last night, that would have been mums greatest mistake. that would have killed me.

i'm seriously at the point where i dont want to deal with it anymore. i dont want to go home ever. when i am home i sit in my bedroom. i try and cut my self off from the drama of my house cuz i can hear the screaming and i dont want to deal with it. i almost flipped yesterday, i was this close : (the space between the dots indicates how close) to leaving last night. i didnt have a phone so i would have gladly just sat at the beach all night watching the water. the ocean is very soothing.

the fact of the matter is... is im not even pissed off. im just upset. im upset about the crap thats been going on, but not really angry. i yell and bitch about it to my friends but im not mad i realize mum is stressed to the limit which is why she's taking it out on us but thats not fair. but then again who said life was fair? fuck. i just want to cry, it felt good to cry last night. couldnt do it now tho, im at school and must keep up with the strong dont get mad get even emmelz exterior i have brought on myself. typing this all has helped though. at the begining i was typing very slow picking words carefully now im just rambling like a buffoon typing at sixty miles an hour. it sucks cuz my diary only has six pages left in in so i wont be able to write as much sitting in my room and sometimes in the middle of the night its hard to go on th computer with my mum sleeping in the computer room. i must say i type way to loud to beable to get away with that one. mum has taken away my phone so i cant call people which i find stupid, i dont know what i did to deserve to be treated like shit, to be punished. whatever. she needs to hurt people to ease the pain inside of her i'd rather it be me. mandy wont be able to stay strong much longer. i have a much higher tollerance. k well im going to join the land of the living, i hope you read all this michelle ill talk to you later (L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)(L)